Hello is thing Ron?
What Ron is it?
Thursday, July 26, 2007
My appalling bathroom habit.
Lots of people has amusing little neuroses about going to the bathroom, but I don't. My bathroom habits are bad. Well, they're not bad in the sense of leaving a mess, but, well, I like to make a lot of noise when I evacuate my bowels. It's just more satisfying to let it rip with all the gas, and liquid, and corn, and foul little gritty bits that make a barrage of kerplunks when they hit the water. And I know it's not a sound people want to listen to over dinner, but hey at least if they do hear it, they'll know to hold off on making that trip to the restroom until the acrid, nose hair curlling gasses have dissipated.
I'm feeling a little bloated after having Mexican food for dinner tonight. I think I'll need my seatbelts for tomorrow morning's honors. Visualize that peoples.
Lots of people has amusing little neuroses about going to the bathroom, but I don't. My bathroom habits are bad. Well, they're not bad in the sense of leaving a mess, but, well, I like to make a lot of noise when I evacuate my bowels. It's just more satisfying to let it rip with all the gas, and liquid, and corn, and foul little gritty bits that make a barrage of kerplunks when they hit the water. And I know it's not a sound people want to listen to over dinner, but hey at least if they do hear it, they'll know to hold off on making that trip to the restroom until the acrid, nose hair curlling gasses have dissipated.
I'm feeling a little bloated after having Mexican food for dinner tonight. I think I'll need my seatbelts for tomorrow morning's honors. Visualize that peoples.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Where I been.
Hey, I finished my first triathlon in 23 years last weekend, and I'm proud to report that I have made progress. I was not the last person out of the water this time, but I was still pretty darn far back there. This meant that I got to pass a lot of people on the bike and run legs, because I am durn near average in those events. (Average, at least, for the people that do this kind of silliness) I stomp the watusi out of the remaining 99.x percent of the population, which would be important if running and biking were like looks, and could actually get me anywhere.
What else? Remodelling the bedrooms for the new kid. Went to San Jose for a weekend. Trying to improve my golf game.
Hey, I finished my first triathlon in 23 years last weekend, and I'm proud to report that I have made progress. I was not the last person out of the water this time, but I was still pretty darn far back there. This meant that I got to pass a lot of people on the bike and run legs, because I am durn near average in those events. (Average, at least, for the people that do this kind of silliness) I stomp the watusi out of the remaining 99.x percent of the population, which would be important if running and biking were like looks, and could actually get me anywhere.
What else? Remodelling the bedrooms for the new kid. Went to San Jose for a weekend. Trying to improve my golf game.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Fun With Expressions You Should Never Use
So we're adopting a child out of the foster care system. Which puts me in contact with a lot of really nice, really sincere, really... earnest folks who are all engaged in what is a really... sensitive time. I mean it's like, you know: Sensitive. And not in a bad way, cause this is some emotional fucking shit, but perhaps the astute reader can sense my growing unease, because, and let's face facts, I am NOT very good at NOT saying something so crude and inappropriate that it would get me killed in any reasonable country.
So needless to say, I've been walking on eggshells, and have been completely unable to describe people as a bunch of ball flapping dick suckers. This expression was heisted from possible the greatest punk rock song ever in the music criticism department: "Morrisey Rdes a Cock Horse" by the Warlock Pinchers. And you know you can't use and expression like that, because you might insult all the cock suckers in the room, not just the ones whose cock sucking was not... ahhh... vigorous enough to "flap balls." Or perhaps people are intimidated by the concept of cock sucking that flaps balls. Come to think of it, that might hurt. I wouldn't know, I'm married, say no more, I'll get me hat.
Does this happen to gay men in "committed relationships?" I'm dying to know. I'm dying to know why I can't say "married gay men" and mean like men that are married to each other. Cause I've met a lot of gay men in committed relationships in the last two months, and they kick ass. I mean these are people who are adopting children, multiple children, children with problems that make me wince. And they are parenting as well as anyone I can imagine. So why the fuck can't they get married? These partnerships are assets to the state. The state should be recognizing them. If not flapping their balls.
Clearly the state is being dominated by a bunch of ignorant butt fuckers. And this is another of the expressions I cannot use, because I always get called on it. "Mr. Dickhead," I am told, "Are you saying that butt fuckers are ignorant? Because we are butt fuckers and we object to your characterization."
And I say: "Mr. (or Ms.) Buttfucker, I did not intend to disparage you or your buttfucking. Clearly you are one of the more enlightened butt fuckers I will ever have the opportunity to converse with. But no, I was not characterizing all butt fuckers as ignorant, merely those who fuck their butts in the darkness of ignorance and consequently have no idea who or what it is they are fucking." The problem here is that those that live in the shadow of ignorance completely miss the insult.
Ain't language fun?
So we're adopting a child out of the foster care system. Which puts me in contact with a lot of really nice, really sincere, really... earnest folks who are all engaged in what is a really... sensitive time. I mean it's like, you know: Sensitive. And not in a bad way, cause this is some emotional fucking shit, but perhaps the astute reader can sense my growing unease, because, and let's face facts, I am NOT very good at NOT saying something so crude and inappropriate that it would get me killed in any reasonable country.
So needless to say, I've been walking on eggshells, and have been completely unable to describe people as a bunch of ball flapping dick suckers. This expression was heisted from possible the greatest punk rock song ever in the music criticism department: "Morrisey Rdes a Cock Horse" by the Warlock Pinchers. And you know you can't use and expression like that, because you might insult all the cock suckers in the room, not just the ones whose cock sucking was not... ahhh... vigorous enough to "flap balls." Or perhaps people are intimidated by the concept of cock sucking that flaps balls. Come to think of it, that might hurt. I wouldn't know, I'm married, say no more, I'll get me hat.
Does this happen to gay men in "committed relationships?" I'm dying to know. I'm dying to know why I can't say "married gay men" and mean like men that are married to each other. Cause I've met a lot of gay men in committed relationships in the last two months, and they kick ass. I mean these are people who are adopting children, multiple children, children with problems that make me wince. And they are parenting as well as anyone I can imagine. So why the fuck can't they get married? These partnerships are assets to the state. The state should be recognizing them. If not flapping their balls.
Clearly the state is being dominated by a bunch of ignorant butt fuckers. And this is another of the expressions I cannot use, because I always get called on it. "Mr. Dickhead," I am told, "Are you saying that butt fuckers are ignorant? Because we are butt fuckers and we object to your characterization."
And I say: "Mr. (or Ms.) Buttfucker, I did not intend to disparage you or your buttfucking. Clearly you are one of the more enlightened butt fuckers I will ever have the opportunity to converse with. But no, I was not characterizing all butt fuckers as ignorant, merely those who fuck their butts in the darkness of ignorance and consequently have no idea who or what it is they are fucking." The problem here is that those that live in the shadow of ignorance completely miss the insult.
Ain't language fun?
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
These are a Few of my Favorite Words
Spork. I don't know why but the work "spork" just cracks me up. It's so funny I had to buy a titanium spork just to be able to use it in a sentence regularly. For those of you that don't already know, a spork is a combination spoon and fork, typically made of plastic and distributed with the worst sort of fast food, such as a Mashed Potato Bowl from Kentucky Fried Chicken.
But after considering the spork, I wondered why it wasn't called a foon, which is pretty danged funny as well. Perhaps because of it's proximity to the word "buffoon" which I always think of as a nude clown. And if you have foons, why not spives, fives, knorks, or knoons?
Why stop at silverware? I'll bet there's a substantial cost savings for KFC to dish up it's carbo-lardo meals on spowls or borks, which would be a combination bowl and fork or bowl and spoon. How about that? No plastic silverware to distribute at all!
Now I should probably be patenting this idea, but how about a borkin? that's right, a combination bowl and fork that you can wipe your mouth with after you finish eating out of/with it. Awesome huh?
I'm gonna go celebrate with a borkin full of mashed potatoes, gravy, bacon, corn, cheese, and refried beans!
Spork. I don't know why but the work "spork" just cracks me up. It's so funny I had to buy a titanium spork just to be able to use it in a sentence regularly. For those of you that don't already know, a spork is a combination spoon and fork, typically made of plastic and distributed with the worst sort of fast food, such as a Mashed Potato Bowl from Kentucky Fried Chicken.
But after considering the spork, I wondered why it wasn't called a foon, which is pretty danged funny as well. Perhaps because of it's proximity to the word "buffoon" which I always think of as a nude clown. And if you have foons, why not spives, fives, knorks, or knoons?
Why stop at silverware? I'll bet there's a substantial cost savings for KFC to dish up it's carbo-lardo meals on spowls or borks, which would be a combination bowl and fork or bowl and spoon. How about that? No plastic silverware to distribute at all!
Now I should probably be patenting this idea, but how about a borkin? that's right, a combination bowl and fork that you can wipe your mouth with after you finish eating out of/with it. Awesome huh?
I'm gonna go celebrate with a borkin full of mashed potatoes, gravy, bacon, corn, cheese, and refried beans!
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Interview
And today's guest topic is my interview questions from Paula:
1. Who's the sexiest world leader right now?
Angelina Jolie. While not technically a world leader, she does have a UN position and more
influence than France. She was sexy looking before she decided to make something of her life.
Now that she's got a purpose, Oooh la la la. A woman is so much more than tits and a butt.
2. What's the most overrated virtue?
Well, cause i'm grounded in classicism I'm gonna select from the original seven virtues: Chastity, Abstinence, Liberality, Diligence, Patience, Kindness, and Humility, and the winner is ... Chastity.
Chastity is overrated because it represents a fundamentally incorrect philosophy that physicality is divorced from spirituality. There is no reason that you can't masturbate yourself closer to God (probably best if you don't overindulge, but that's Abstinence, which I feel is a
better virtue) and really sex is better if it means more than what it is, though I'm still trying to figure out what I meant by: "masturbate yourself closer to God"
The other problem with chastity is that it only allows sex within marriage and there are people
that function quite well without this limitation. almost every successful marriage of over ten
years that I know of contains a "Clooney clause" wherein the husband or wife is permitted to
stray in the presence of certain celebrities or even non-celebrities. Not to say that "swinging"
or "open marriage" is any secret to long term success, cause it sure doesn't seem to work out
that way for anyone I know, but that's really violating the virtue of abstinence (moderation).
Not that I interpret the virtue of abstinence in terms of moderation or abstaining from abstinence.
Ultimately my objection is to the the removal of physical experiences from the realm of the
morally acceptable behaviors. If we don't experience the awkwardness and discomfort of boffing
George Clooney for real, than how are we ever to know the real comfort, convenience, and geniune love of boffing our own spouse?
3. How would you improve the Internet?
Implement spam control at some very fundamental and irrevocable level. Freedom of speech is
all well and good but people also need freedom from venality.
4. The red pill or the blue pill?
ed pill all the way, baby. I assume we're talking about the Matrix wherein Morpheus offers Neo a choice between the blue pill (continuing to know and experience the matrix as he had always
known it, that is as reality) or the red pill (removing him from the matrix to know it as it really is.)
Philosophically, I agree with with the doctrine of the red pill, which is that virtue requires knowledge, but fundamentally I am incapable of any other behavior. I will and can and have to step outside of any position/thought/kerfuffle to see it as it appears from all angles. Usually I use this habit to find the most humorous aspect of an item, but other times I'm just making good theatre.
5. What's the one question you were afraid I'd ask?
Oh, anything verifiable. Typical man. Afraid of committment. So afraid of commitment that I won't even commit to naming the question I feared you would ask, though really, I have an inappropriately high tolerance for embarrassment, so you could really ask me anything.
And today's guest topic is my interview questions from Paula:
1. Who's the sexiest world leader right now?
Angelina Jolie. While not technically a world leader, she does have a UN position and more
influence than France. She was sexy looking before she decided to make something of her life.
Now that she's got a purpose, Oooh la la la. A woman is so much more than tits and a butt.
2. What's the most overrated virtue?
Well, cause i'm grounded in classicism I'm gonna select from the original seven virtues: Chastity, Abstinence, Liberality, Diligence, Patience, Kindness, and Humility, and the winner is ... Chastity.
Chastity is overrated because it represents a fundamentally incorrect philosophy that physicality is divorced from spirituality. There is no reason that you can't masturbate yourself closer to God (probably best if you don't overindulge, but that's Abstinence, which I feel is a
better virtue) and really sex is better if it means more than what it is, though I'm still trying to figure out what I meant by: "masturbate yourself closer to God"
The other problem with chastity is that it only allows sex within marriage and there are people
that function quite well without this limitation. almost every successful marriage of over ten
years that I know of contains a "Clooney clause" wherein the husband or wife is permitted to
stray in the presence of certain celebrities or even non-celebrities. Not to say that "swinging"
or "open marriage" is any secret to long term success, cause it sure doesn't seem to work out
that way for anyone I know, but that's really violating the virtue of abstinence (moderation).
Not that I interpret the virtue of abstinence in terms of moderation or abstaining from abstinence.
Ultimately my objection is to the the removal of physical experiences from the realm of the
morally acceptable behaviors. If we don't experience the awkwardness and discomfort of boffing
George Clooney for real, than how are we ever to know the real comfort, convenience, and geniune love of boffing our own spouse?
3. How would you improve the Internet?
Implement spam control at some very fundamental and irrevocable level. Freedom of speech is
all well and good but people also need freedom from venality.
4. The red pill or the blue pill?
ed pill all the way, baby. I assume we're talking about the Matrix wherein Morpheus offers Neo a choice between the blue pill (continuing to know and experience the matrix as he had always
known it, that is as reality) or the red pill (removing him from the matrix to know it as it really is.)
Philosophically, I agree with with the doctrine of the red pill, which is that virtue requires knowledge, but fundamentally I am incapable of any other behavior. I will and can and have to step outside of any position/thought/kerfuffle to see it as it appears from all angles. Usually I use this habit to find the most humorous aspect of an item, but other times I'm just making good theatre.
5. What's the one question you were afraid I'd ask?
Oh, anything verifiable. Typical man. Afraid of committment. So afraid of commitment that I won't even commit to naming the question I feared you would ask, though really, I have an inappropriately high tolerance for embarrassment, so you could really ask me anything.
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