Clown Porn

So this idea actually arose several years ago when I was taking a fiction writing series at the UW and someone had a story in which the protagonist is on the grocery store and overhears a couple in the next aisle over arguing about their relationship or something. Anyway protagonist, and us the listening audience, discover that this couple are in fact two clowns in makeup and silly clothes, which was a real disjunction to what we were expecting. The actual story was written more deftly than i have rendered it here, but the point is that the "clowns in a marital spat" was one of those ideas that really stick with you, and might contain the seeds of a near perfect non sequitur, which is, of course the purpose of this blog.

So anyway, cut to a couple of days ago when some folks are belaboring a point and I, wanting them to move on, announce: "Okay already! can we just move on to a discussion of clown porn!" I knew I had struck gold, cause "Clown Porn" is short enough to meet the phrase length requirements of the perfect non sequitur, yet makes a person go "Wha?"

Not that I'm a huge clown porn fan, but I find the concept of clown porn to be worth investigating. There's something about the phrase "clown porn" that jars the psyche, and makes it linger in your mind. On one hand, it's wrong in so many ways: Porn is supposed to be sexy, and clowns are, well, just not sexy. They're kind of the opposite of sexy.

We associate clowns with laughter, with clowning around, not the kind of self-conscious seriousness we typically see in porn as the players try to make a simple and rather undignified act more than it is. As if their sexual acts are going to transcend all sex that has gone before. Clowns are just so not that.

Clowns are scary. They make people uncomfortable. their intimidating and annoying like mimes. Have you ever had sex with a mime? Well, don't. I mean cause there you are trying to get your rocks off, and your whitefaced partner is mocking you, imitating your pathetic grunts and grimaces. It's kindof a turn off. Umm. would be a turn off, if you know... well nevermind.

The point is clowns make you uncomfortable because you don't know what to expect. A pie in the face at point of orgasm? Not out of the question. Most people want to feel comfortable with their sex partners, which probably explains marriage and fidelity and shit. You don't want every sexual experience to be as awkward as the first time you do it with someone, do you? Now imagine how awkward it would be with a clown. would you trust the clown? is he or she really that into you or is he or she just setting you up for a dowsing with the seltzer bottle?

The other side of this argument is that porn is kindof clownish really. I mean how significant can a couple people boffing be? Sure, it's stimulating. It speaks to very basal urges. But is it art? Does it elevate mankind? I would argue the opposite. It's a mockery of what should be a private and sacred moment between two people, and the attempt to make it more than that comes across as pretty clownish, especially when we add the degree to which the actors are just trying too fucking hard. How different is the typical group sex porn scene from the chinese fire drill?

So on the one hand, clowns and porn don't go together. But on the other hand they do go together. There's a logic to the pairing of clowns and porn. Initially it's a non-sequitur, cause you really don't picture clowns having sex. But then it becomes a logical pairing of pervertedness, along the lines of spanking and sex, or rubber boots and sex.

"Sure guys, let's shoot some pictures of clowns, just let's finish up with the nuns first. "

And when you really explore your feelings about porn, it seems like clowns and porn belong together. Clown Porn, Baby! As if there's any other kind.