Fun With Expressions You Should Never Use

So we're adopting a child out of the foster care system. Which puts me in contact with a lot of really nice, really sincere, really... earnest folks who are all engaged in what is a really... sensitive time. I mean it's like, you know: Sensitive. And not in a bad way, cause this is some emotional fucking shit, but perhaps the astute reader can sense my growing unease, because, and let's face facts, I am NOT very good at NOT saying something so crude and inappropriate that it would get me killed in any reasonable country.

So needless to say, I've been walking on eggshells, and have been completely unable to describe people as a bunch of ball flapping dick suckers. This expression was heisted from possible the greatest punk rock song ever in the music criticism department: "Morrisey Rdes a Cock Horse" by the Warlock Pinchers. And you know you can't use and expression like that, because you might insult all the cock suckers in the room, not just the ones whose cock sucking was not... ahhh... vigorous enough to "flap balls." Or perhaps people are intimidated by the concept of cock sucking that flaps balls. Come to think of it, that might hurt. I wouldn't know, I'm married, say no more, I'll get me hat.

Does this happen to gay men in "committed relationships?" I'm dying to know. I'm dying to know why I can't say "married gay men" and mean like men that are married to each other. Cause I've met a lot of gay men in committed relationships in the last two months, and they kick ass. I mean these are people who are adopting children, multiple children, children with problems that make me wince. And they are parenting as well as anyone I can imagine. So why the fuck can't they get married? These partnerships are assets to the state. The state should be recognizing them. If not flapping their balls.

Clearly the state is being dominated by a bunch of ignorant butt fuckers. And this is another of the expressions I cannot use, because I always get called on it. "Mr. Dickhead," I am told, "Are you saying that butt fuckers are ignorant? Because we are butt fuckers and we object to your characterization."
And I say: "Mr. (or Ms.) Buttfucker, I did not intend to disparage you or your buttfucking. Clearly you are one of the more enlightened butt fuckers I will ever have the opportunity to converse with. But no, I was not characterizing all butt fuckers as ignorant, merely those who fuck their butts in the darkness of ignorance and consequently have no idea who or what it is they are fucking." The problem here is that those that live in the shadow of ignorance completely miss the insult.

Ain't language fun?